Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Drunk is a universal language darling
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