I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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