"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize