So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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