told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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