im having a threesome with these popsicles
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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