So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
