We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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