I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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