well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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