I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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