Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize