you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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