i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
