She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
