I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
