After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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