and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
