I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
