I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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