Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
