you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
