He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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