toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Randomize
