i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
