mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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