You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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