is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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