Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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