He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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