Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
