I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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