last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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