It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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