I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize