everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
