i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
