I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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