I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
