i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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