He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
