I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize