pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
