apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
