Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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