the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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