maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
