a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
