i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
