We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
then he tried to convert me to islam
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
