AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
