Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
