I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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