Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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