my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
