Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
