Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
