I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
