My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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