My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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