I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
