Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
